Alaska and ambivalence

(the shift key on my mother's computer is working only sporadically, so bear with me.)

I'm in Alaska in my mother's house, which is strange and nice. i'm only up for an extended weekend before school starts, but i'm glad i got to come for at least a few days.
There's an oddness i notice more strongly each time I visit. i think it's the fact that I'm visiting a place that i used to call home. I've always known that everyone has to come to terms with their own sense of self, but knowing in the abstract is very different from actually attempting the journey. it's an ongoing process. i moved the last of my stuff into boxes and out of my old room. the thing that actually made me cry was glancing through old photos and seeing the faces of friends who've died in the past few years, but really the packing itself was just emotionally draining overall. my room is not my room anymore. in two days even the room in which i'm currently perched will belong to somebody else. it's a big thing.

it seems like not much changes each time i come back, except that sometimes more people are dead, but at the same time the landscape is actually quite different. my mom's house has been remodeled, the streets have changed, there are starbucks on several corners. i don't know what's going on in local politics, i've lost track of my friends. i'm not sure what exactly I want my relationship to be with this town. i suppose that once i decide that, it will be easier to spend time here.

on a more positive (or at least, less confused) note, i finally met Crosby's boy today. he is nice. i spent the evening with her family, who are my favorite family-that-is-not-mine in the world, and we ate chicken and cornbread and i kicked ass at Take two, which i am totally bringing back to Olympia, by the way, and we laughed really hard and I held on to crosby really tight and this shift key is really pissing me off but more importantly I love that family a whole lot. little sister and and middle sister are so big and that is scary and crosby's mom and dad are just the same which is comforting and I really like her boy. i was afraid it would be weird because I am very protective of my Crosby because I love her more than anything in the universe, but he is quiet and goofy and nice and I approve. i wouldn't mind staying in anchorage for a long time if every night was like tonight, with Little sister making everything into three times as many syllables as it needs to be and Middle Sister screeching and father-of-crosby muttering things under his breath and everyone laughing till we can't breathe. I missed it. It was good to have that back.